Wow, you guys! It’s been almost 4 months since my last post! How did that even happen? Somewhere along the way of my blogging break, I figured out that I was hustling for my worth. I was hustling in blogging, but I was also hustling in real life. And man, is that exhausting. And I guess it all just ended up being too much for me and I had to just stop everything. When you hustle for your worth, you start out by being yourself. And people like it. And then you want them to like you more. Appreciate what you do. Give you that affirmation that you’re still “okay”. And then the change slowly creeps in. You give power to those “likes” on Facebook and Instagram like they actually mean YOU are worth more or less. When, really, a ton of what people see on social media has to do with algorithms and luck. Hustling for your worth sucks. It’s a never-ending cycle of highs and lows. And the stakes continue to get higher and the amount of effort it takes to keep up the fake person that you’ve slowly become increases every day. And then you just get burned out from it all and take a 4 month break from blogging! But, really, finally it just became too much for me and I couldn’t do it anymore. My creative mojo was gone. I wanted nothing to do with styling, painting, photographing. And every time I attempted going back to any of those, it just didn’t feel right. My heart wasn’t in it anymore. Honestly, I appreciate every. single. trial I’ve been through in my life. Maybe not while I’m actually in it, but afterward, I do. I think it’s because I let the trials teach me something. Because if I don’t, what’s the point? You know? What’s the point of going through all the crappy times if you’re not going to learn from them? Since I’ve really been a perfectionist and, if I’m honest, I’ve been hustling for my worth in real life for basically my whole life, I guess it just all came to a head within the last few months. I started realizing what was happening and I’d had enough. I still have trouble accepting that something I put out into the world doesn’t have to be perfect and can just be “good enough”. I actually cringe at those two words. Good enough. Ugh. It sounds like I’m not trying hard enough. But, I am learning to accept that good enough is okay and that maybe I’ll be more relatable if I’m not trying so damn hard to please people. I am who I am and I need to stop apologizing for it. And really, I have no idea what this means for my blog. I definitely know I want to share more real life with you guys and I can’t possibly keep up with photographing a perfectly clean house all the time. So, maybe that means more “real life” shots and more photos of things that aren’t my house – like in today’s post. Because I started out this journey in photography, not blogging. And I love photography and how it makes me feel. And now I suddenly have the urge to say “I’m so sorry if you don’t like it, guys! Will you leave me if the change in my blog isn’t what you want anymore?” But that’s people-pleasing and I need to stop that. So how about I just say, “I really hope you like this new road I’m on and if you don’t, that’s totally okay!” Because, in the end, this journey is for me. Sure, I’d love for people to like and follow my blog, but I have to do what’s right for me. What feels good to me. A friend of mine recently asked me “If you stopped getting “likes” and “views” on your blog/social media, would you still blog?” At the time, honestly, the answer was no. Because I was still hustling for those likes. But now I can see that question as a way to keep myself in check. Every time I put out a post, I’ll remind myself to stop looking at page views and likes and just be content with the fact that the process of writing/painting/staging/photographing was enjoyable to me and that’s why I did it. End of story. And again, I’m having the urge to apologize. This time for writing “too deep” of a blog post. Eeek! See. I’m still working on this stuff. But I’ll keep pushing forward and keep posting what’s on my mind. I really think this stuff will all work itself out in the end. As long as I stay true to myself and stop holding myself back with sorries. That’s really been a huge one for me that I’ve noticed I do wayyyy too often. I say sorry after being myself. Ugh. Thats the worst. Because I really was being myself and then I apologized for it. Then I feel crappy for the whole thing. You guys! People-pleasing is such a sticky situation and pulls you back in time and time again. But I’m determined to get past this. It’s for the best for my blog and it’s for the best in my LIFE! I just want this blog to be “authentically me”. And I know that word “authentic” gets thrown around a lot lately, but if it’s used correctly, I think it’s a word we should keep around for a while! I want to share different aspects of my life. I want people to know ME, not just the paint colors I choose to paint and the way I style my house. I’m so much more than that and I’m ready for people to see that. I’m not sure why it took me so long to get to this point, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that I’m here now and I’m going to give this my best shot and not back down when it feels scary or difficult. I need to stop being afraid of failing. I can’t get started on anything if I’m afraid it won’t be good enough. Or perfect! I just need to start and let myself journey along the road to getting better at whatever it is I’m working on. Not getting to a point of perfection…because that will never happen. But honing my skills and improving. That I can handle!