Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Check that. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Now, don’t go hating me, but this is how it all began.
When I was young, both of my parents worked full time. Along the way, I somehow got into my head (by no one’s doing but my own) that mothers should work after they have their babies and that stay at home moms were lazy. Let me reiterate – I was young and no one else forced this opinion on me, I just sorta made it up.
I decided early on that I would never be a stay at home mom. It wasn’t for me. I wasn’t going to be one of those lazy moms that sat around all day. I was going to go to work and help my family … and stay sane. You see, the other reason I wanted to be a working mom is that I have never really liked kids all that much. I mean, as a kid I obviously did, but as I grew up, I knew I wasn’t the babysitting type. I just have never really been a “kid person”. I know, I probably sound evil. Thinking stay at home moms are horrible and not liking kids even though I have two of my own! Someone stop this woman, right?!
Then I had my first baby and things worked out in a way that my husband and I decided that I would, wait for it … be a stay at home mom!! Gasp!
And you know what? I hated it! My daughter wasn’t 6 months old before I begged to get out of the house. I started working a handful of hours a week for our landlord doing office work. It wasn’t my dream job, but I got out of the house and got to interact with adults. Score!
Eventually I quit because I wasn’t really feeling the job and I was kinda sad when I’d come home and my hubby would say “the baby did this or that for the first time while you were gone!” What?! Mmmm, probably not! So, back to a SAHM I went.
And then we moved 2 hours away from our families and then I had another baby. And I continued to hate being a SAHM.
My personality is just not in it. It doesn’t mesh well. Give me an office job and I will be the most efficient worker you’ve ever had! I can do the job of two or three people. I excel at having a lot of tasks in front of me and working hard and plowing through them. That is my personality. That is what I do well. But I need the motivation.
I need a “boss” looming over my shoulder – or in his/her office down the hall – to keep me motivated to do the job.
I don’t have a “boss” at home. I have little ones who are my “boss”, but really, no one will fire me if I don’t clean the house or the kids watch tv all day.
And guess what, I’m still not really a kid person. It is ridiculously hard for me to play. I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m just not good at it. I can cuddle and read a book to my kids, maybe even play a board game, but to use my imagination to make up games or pretend to do whatever is just not me.
And it makes me feel like a total failure. It hurts me that I’m no good at this. The most important job I’ll have in my entire life and I kind of suck at it.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of stress and anger lately. I yell. I’m not good at being gentle. I’m stressed when my daughter asks me questions and I snap at her. I know the stress and anger is not all because of this, but I also know it has a lot to do with feeling like a failure of a mom. It hurts me to the core that I can’t do this and that I feel like I’m letting my kids down.
But my kids are only 1 and 3. I think I might still have time to get it right. I don’t know how, but I need to try to figure this thing out. I’m miserable right now because I see my kids playing without me or begging to do this or that and I just don’t want to. And it’s not fair to them. They need me. Or else I might as well just go to work full time and leave them with someone that is much better at this than I am!
I wish there was a magic book that could tell me how to be a good momma. I wish I could just find that one pin on pinterest that would lead me to all the answers on how to get through this incredibly scary journey I find myself on day in and day out. And I’d love to leave you with this perfect answer of how I’m going to “fix” this, but I don’t have one. I have no idea how to move forward, but I know that I want to. I know that it hurts me to live this way and I know it’s not good for my kids. And I truly feel that God put me in this position for a reason. He wants me to do this job – and succeed at it – for a reason. I need to at least try.